Tuesday, September 22, 2009

May I See Your ID Please?

When I tell people that Ky isn’t getting married until next September their first reaction is to laugh. Is it because people in Utah don’t know how to wait that long to get married? Do they think that her hormonal urge to give up her virginity is going to move the wedding date up? That is why most engagements in Utah only last a couple of months. The poor little return missionaries return home with blue balls that need to be tended to. The normal Mormon wedding day is to get married at 7:30 in the morning. Run from the Temple to the nearest hotel, usually The Anniversary Inn, and ruin the bride’s up do. Then to show up to the reception, stand in the line, like nothing happened. Do they realize that people know her hair is different than it was earlier in the day? A little muffled? And that he is smiling more than normal? I can’t even imagine staying at The Anniversary Inn. First, because it is themed. Second, I can only imagine how many young return missionary Tarzans have swung from the vines in the jungle room to de-virginize their Jane. Or perhaps I should imagine how many Juliets have jumped from the balcony to jump their Romeo. No matter what scenario I come up with, all I can think of is how bright those mattresses must glow under black light.

My kid isn’t Mormon. I’m not saying that I know what is going on in her bedroom . . . but I know what was going on in mine when I was that age and I’m not thinking that is the reason she might move up the wedding date. I know for a fact that the earliest she would move the wedding date up would be late June. Why do I know this? She wants to party and she won’t turn 21 until June 15, 2010.

At least I thought I was safe with this reasoning until my friend got her the perfect fake ID. Ky has tried for a few years to get a coveted fake ID. But do you realize how hard it is to find another girl that is 6’0” tall and resembles you? She used to think she could get away with my little sis’s. The only problem is Colie is only 5’4”. That would never fly with a good bouncer – maybe only with one that was blind! I honestly thought I would be safe until Ky decided to cross dress as one of Kris’s smaller football players. I was hoping that her tall stature would finally work in my favor. Dammit, it owed me after all those hours of looking for prom dresses that were long enough! For finding pants that were not floods. Not to mention how I used to have to dry her cotton pants weighted down so they would stretch beyond their wanted length. Leave it to my friend Kris – the sports trainer who works with female athletes on a daily basis. Not only does she work with female athletes, she works at the University where they are all a little older than Ky. It took some time, but the perfect opportunity finally showed up on the softball team. At least Kris learned from her own experience and got the actual ID from her student rather than her birth certificate. That plan landed her in cuffs and the backseat of a cop car. She learned from her mistake and Ky benefits from her wisdom. Woo hoo!

Ky has tried out the new laminated toy a few times and it works beautifully. She, Kris and Stretch partied at the Top Gun bar in San Diego while I headed back to the hotel with the kiddos. I felt old. She drank beer at the bowling alley with Stretch – she should have felt old. Who hangs out at the bowling alley bar these days?! Worst of all, she got a beer band at the Brad Paisley concert, right after they put mine on! What is that Utah Department of Alcohol Beverage Control campaign? The one where the mom has a string attached to the beer bottle and reels her kid in like a big mouth bass? The bright yellow tags that are all over the liquor stores warning us against letting our underage kids drink? They obviously have not made an impression on me!

It’s true . . . I encourage or rather support her drinking habit. I buy her cheerleader beer, the beercicles, and all those other wine coolers of 2010. I am under the belief that if you are old enough to fight for our country and vote for our leader, you should be responsible enough to buy a beer. How can you encourage someone to vote for your future if you can’t entrust them to buy a cocktail? It is ridiculous. So yes, I buy my underage daughter booze. I let her drink at my house. I let her come to my parties. I don’t let her get out of control. I’m hoping that she is responsible and she is. The problem is I might not be!

At the concert, I was the one sneaking in the booze in my wine bra. Yes, a wine bra. The greatest flask ever invented. It is a simple booze bladder that hides inside of a regular sports bra. It has made many an airline flight, movie, and concert more enjoyable. Sometimes you need more than beer! Sometimes a movie needs something other than a $5 soda. Pirates of the Caribbean with a rum and coke – doesn’t that sound good? Sex in the City with a Cosmo? How Carrie! OK, those ice cold drinks were not the best idea! Thank you Mr. Leno for introducing me to this marvel. Plus it makes my boobs huge! I never have cleavage without a little wine rack.

Kel smuggled in a box of wine in her chair. The bag that is hidden inside of those boxes can easily be mistaken for a cath bag. Besides, who is going to question her?

The best smuggling had to be Jeffries. The tiny little hundred pound girl had not one, but two flasks shoved down her tight jeans just so she could enjoy an Appletini.

Not one of us got caught at security. We weren’t white trash. We weren’t being cheap. We just wanted our favorite drinks. OK, we were a little white trash.

Ky and her beer band got me a pale ale. It was sweet. I’m not going to lie. I liked staying on my blanket while she went on the beer run. Then suddenly the thought crossed my mind . . . she doesn’t have to wait until JUNE! How the hell am I going to pull this wedding bill off before then!?

Relax, have another beer mama. Remember, you put a deposit on Snowbird yesterday. She is stuck with September no matter how good her fake ID is.

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