Cougar Crossing

I got a new sign for my birthday. It is a bright yellow diamond with a silhouette of a cougar warning of crossings. Not because I’m a BYU alum. Yes, I went to Happy Valley U for a few semesters. Don’t be shocked. I did get pregnant and it was not a Virgin Mary immaculate conception, there was a penis and ejaculation involved. I also opposed every question my Book of Mormon professor ever asked. I even paid higher tuition for being a heathen. I have an entire blog entry for that part of my life for a later post.

I have a cougar crossing sign because I just turned 40! I can no longer pretend like I am a bobcat. If I even look at a boy younger than twenty-eight I have to growl. But then again, if he excites me I can purr. A cat is a cat, no matter how big or how small, or how young or how old. Right?

Honestly, I don’t mind being the big 4 0. I remember driving in my car and listening to a radio personality interview a caller. She was talking about how she was 20 and her 40 year old mother was complaining about some loud concert they went to together. Out loud I mocked the old mother and said if she was that old she shouldn’t be going to concerts. My little first grade passenger quickly did the math and asked, “Mom, won’t you be 40 when I’m 20?”

I wanted to eject her from the passenger seat! Damned that accelerated program!

This is the child that I took to a Garth Brooks concert when she was 2! With tickets that I bought from a scalper outside of the Delta Center while holding her on my hip. The same child that went to see The Backstreet Boys because I slept out for tickets in the rain. How ungrateful! But I have to admit, hearing that interview made a 40 year old mom with a 20 year old kid sound really old!

It was all relative. When I turned thirty and had an eleven year old I didn’t feel old at all. It turned into my story and my life. Age is what you make of it.

Now I am forty. My daughter threw me the best birthday party ever! A Chinese theme celebrated the fact that I always promised myself I would go to China when I turned forty. All of my friends and family helped me celebrate the new decade, including Spermy and his family. It was perfect.

I might be forty with a twenty year old bride to be, but life couldn’t be better. I can take vacations with my friends without worrying about a babysitter. My daughter can run to the grocery store, and next year, the liquor store! We both obey curfew for each other, but don’t question where we were.

People think I should be honored when others ask or think that we are sisters and not mother and daughter. I used to say I was going to start calling Kyky my sister so that I seemed younger. Then I would joke that I either had to become her sister or start lying about my age and by so admitting that I was a teenage slut. People can do math. I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I delivered. There are only so many years that you can deduct before it becomes unbelievable.

Truth is, I got pregnant too young. Could I have made other decisions? Of course I could have. Did I want to? NO. I am proud to be a young mom. I think I have done a great job. I have a best friend that throws me great parties. I have a close relationship with my daughter. Could I really want more?

I lived my younger years as a mom. My older years are mine. I’m going to find adventure whether it is alone, with a friend or with a partner. It doesn’t really matter. Life has been good so far, it can only get better.

Skinny Bitches

Kyky finally decided to try on wedding dresses! I'm so excited. I've been waiting anxiously for her to decide it was time. Today is the day and just the two of us are escaping to a Vera Wang trunk show. How much more wedding can you get than Vera Wang!?


Alta Mode is an adorable little boutique in downtown Salt Lake. The kind where you walk in and are personally greeted, offered flavored water and a cookie. Plush couches flank three way mirrors. Carpeted boxes act as little pedestals for the brides to spin and primp on while their adoring fans give the thumbs up or down. The cute little bridal consultant sat down with us to take down Kyky's information: Wedding date, location, dress preferences, size.

Kyky has never been one for glitz and glam. Her prom dresses were always beautiful, but in a simple and elegant style. I expected the wedding gown to fall into the same category. As soon as she walked in she saw a Vera dress adorning a mod mannequin. Strapless, subtle but with glamorous beading adorning the empire waistband that lead to the flowing silk chiffon skirt. She was hooked.

Then the look . . . the one where the cute little bridal consultant's face changed. She tried to sugar coat it but all she could say was that the dresses came straight from the NY fashion show. You know, where the models that walk them down the runway are all size 00. Kyky is 5'12". Yes, six feet but she won't actually admit to that height. She is curvy, with the hourglass figure and ginormous boobs. Greek Goddess like, not Twiggy-ish.

She lets us know that so far today, only one bride has almost fit into the dresses. But she pulls dresses anyway.

Kyky is a good sport. She is trying on anything and everything that the consultant recommends. Well, everything but a ball gown style. No POOF allowed!

Dresses have to anchored on with Home Depot industrial style clips with bungee cords to keep them closed because they can't possibly zip. The consultant is pulling and holding and trying to explain that when it is ordered in the right size everything will lay just right and it won't be dangling five inches from the ground.

A flood wedding gown, corset and muffin top hanging out and bosoms overflowing. Really? This is not how dress shopping is supposed to go. No matter how much cute little consultant assures us that tulle and bling vomit can be changed. How are you supposed to spend $3500 on a dress that looks like it might possibly fit an anorexic 12 year old!?

This is not reality. Brides should be voluptuous. Curvy. Sexy. Not flat and walking skeletons!

Rather depressing. Mama should have been served sparkling wine, not sparking water. KyKy needed a shot of Tequila!

No worries. We went to lunch and bitched about skinny runway wedding dress model bitches. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than bashing others!

Next week - Davids Bridal where they carry normal girl sizes, like a 10!