It was just over 20 years ago that I was a scared 18 year old trying to decide my future. What I thought was luck had finally ran out. The 4th pregnancy test came back positive. I was over four months along with only days to decide what to do.
After a lot of tears, writing and rewriting pros and cons lists until they tipped the scale to the side where I wanted them, fights with boyfriend, parents and friends, I started buying blankets. And binkys. And cute little clothes in unisex colors.
The luck I thought I was having in getting negative test results was luck indeed. Though at the time, the thought of being a single teenage mom scared the shit out of me, it is the best thing that ever happened. I know, how cliche', but unless you have lived through it, you can't mock me. Sure things were tough. I had to live with my mom in order to support my daughter the way I wanted. I preferred trips to Disneyland over my own mortgage. And I drove a beater car for years so that I could afford Challenger School and Nordstrom red cowboy boots for my two year old. My priorities were right for us.
So where has this lead me to 20 years later . . . to planning the biggest day in her life. Again, I am scared to death. My baby is growing up. She is planning her future and it doesn't include living with me. Is this selfish? Have I had enough time with her? She doesn't know how to cook! She should wait just for cooking lessons. Can he live on buttered noodles, cereal and tacos? Should I talk them out of it? Tell them they are too young? They need stable jobs and college degrees before signing a marriage certificate!
I remind myself . . . this is my daughter. She is the one who has been the mature one in our relationship. She is the one who knows what she is doing. She has been handling matters herself since she was 3 and someone tried to steal her stick horse during pre-school western days. Horrified, I watched through the one sided mirror as she lifted the boy by his bandana and regained custody of the pinto. I remind myself that she is stronger than I have ever been and that if he tries to steal her dreams she will deal with him in the same manner that she showed that little bully. Maybe not with a bandana, but I'm sure the effect will be the same.
I find myself thinking back to days of easier decisions. In 1989 you didn't know if you should buy pink or blue jammies so things were still generic for the unknown. There was some mystery and surprise left in life. Now I wish for an easy decision! Not so much when it comes to wedding plans. I know find my days filled with thoughts of reception centers. It is the first major decision to be made. Well after choosing the groom. She wants a mountain setting because she loves the fall and the colors of autumn. It needs to have indoor and outdoor locations. A beautiful aisle for her to walk down. And let's not forget the liquor license. Yes . . . mama needs a bar!
Wish me luck,