Future Mother-In-Law from HELL

I did something every parent has wanted to do but knew they shouldn’t . . . I told my daughter’s boyfriend exactly what I thought of him. Yes, mama had been to the bar and it was not a good thing. I crossed the line that parents are supposed to respect. I didn't stay on my side of the line drawn in the imaginarey sand and I would never be able to erase the footprints I left that night. Actually I had spent the evening with my girlfriends drinking wine, quilting and bitching about life in general. We got on the subject of Stretch, AKA, the daughter’s boyfriend. Truly I like the guy but every mom can find those things that just are not good enough for her little one to be stuck with. My list is petty and really quite shallow when I think back on it.

Well, with the bitch session fresh on my mildly inebriated brain I headed home to find a small gathering of Kyky’s friends in my living room. They were having their own little party and invited me to join. I am the cool mom after all. Well, I opened myself a bottle of wine because I have outgrown the shots of tequila and cheap beer that they were partaking of. Classless, I drank it straight from the bottle. Bad idea! First of all, that little time that it takes for one to refill their wine glass also gives you the time to rethink if you really need one more drink. Drinking straight from the bottle gives you no time to consider the amount you are letting in. Plus how tacky! Shame on me!

Music was going, kids were laughing and reminiscing, it was a great time. But where was Stretch? Oh, he was the long blob lying on the floor sleeping. Was it really that hard for him to try to mingle and carry on a drunken conversation with Kyky’s friends? Like a drunken conversation is all that deep and hard to participate in? No, he was tired and decided to crawl up and take a nap, leaving Kyky to entertain their guests alone.

This really irritated me! Kyky does tons of stuff with his friends and I know that she would never take a nap during a party. I have taught her to be better than that. Well, my brilliant solution to this was to draw smiley faces on his knees with self tanning cream. For days he would have to look at those smiling knees and think that he was the sleeping ass that got drawn on at the party. Not the drunken kid that gets Sharpied, but the loser who doesn’t like to socialize and gets taken on by the drunken mother of his girlfriend. Sure am glad I’m too mature for tequila and cheap beer.

All the laughing finally got Stretch to open his eyes. He grumbled a bit then smiled and agreed that he should join in the fun. Soon I found myself having a nice little chat with the guy.

Out of wine, I poured a velvety smooth shot of Bourbon for Stretch and myself. After all his is a whisky boy and I thought I would introduce him to a bit of Kentucky culture. I love a nightcap of good Bourbon, however, not after a night of wine. Bourbon is something that should be sipped and enjoyed, not shot and guzzled.

Suddenly I lost all control of my vocal functions! Things started blurting out of my mouth before my brain could tell me STOP!!!! I switched from thanking him for battling my bamboo to attacking his every move. Everything bad that I had ever thought about Stretch started to string together into this horrible lecture of how he wasn’t good enough for my little girl. I told him he chews his fingernails, wears hats to dinner, never says thank you, and is holding her back! It never ended. I went so far as to say I wished she was sleeping with her best friend Eric. And the worst thing was Eric was standing right there! It was Eric that finally got me under control, but the damage had been done. Stretch’s eyes were watery. I had hurt him and I couldn’t take it back. What had I done?

How embarrassing for poor Kyky. Here I am telling the love of her life that he isn’t good enough for her. Not nicely, but in a drunken state of chaos. I’m sure the harsh words were slurred and made little sense, but that didn’t hide the viciousness.

Forced to the basement, I went to bed. In the middle of the night I awoke to the horror of what I had done. I couldn’t take it back. How could I fix it? I couldn’t. All I could do was send a text apologizing and how pathetic and cowardly was that? I called my best friend to tell her what I had done and all she could say was oh no, you didn’t!

Somehow, Stretch courageously attended Mother’s Day Brunch that Sunday. I don’t know how he could look at me and I barely made eye contact. Knowing I wouldn’t have the balls to say everything I needed to I wrote him a note.

I don’t even know how to begin to apologize for my horrible behavior the other night. You truly did not deserve one bit of that. I know there is no reason on earth why I should have had you be the recipient of my built up anger for a lot of things. I feel so bad for what I did to you and Ky and I’m not sure how I’m going to ever begin to set things straight.
I really do love you. You are a great guy and do so much for me and my family and would do anything for Ky. We would be lost without you. I don’t have any real issues with you and Ky and I fully expect that you will be a part of our lives for the long haul and I’m happy with that.
Of course there will always be little things that bug me but that’s what mothers do. It’s in our nature to be over protective but not beastly!
There is no way I would choose Eric over you and I can’t believe I said that. You are a much better person.
I don’t blame you for anything Ky is doing in her life other than I wish you would go do more together. You make her a better person in a lot of ways.
Ky loves you and I know you love her. That is all that I want for both of you.
Please let me try to redeem myself. I owe a lot of apologies but none more than to you and Ky.

He, being the bigger person confronted me. We made up, but didn’t hug.

Two nights later Stretch showed up on my doorstep. Ky wasn’t home so I was a bit baffled. I invited him in for a beer, NO BOURBON! Not quite knowing what to do, I turned on American Idol. How weird of me! He sat and we watched for about an hour. Finally, a timid voice said, “I’m not quite sure how to say this . . . “

I stopped him! Saying, “ please let’s just forget the other night ever happened. I’m so embarrassed and I just want us to move on and be friends.”

His reply . . . “it’s not about that, I want to marry your daughter.”

My heart sank. The other night when I was belittling him and saying he wasn’t good enough, he already had the beautiful one carat diamond at home locked in his safe.