Sunday, November 15, 2009

Can the MOB Spank the Bride?

I have heard that brides can be temperamental but I didn’t expect it to happen so early into the planning!

Ky, Stretch and I all made it through choosing the ceremony and reception center without a harsh word. We were all on the same page. Ky’s biggest concern is that the chairs are blue. Stretch's biggest concern is that he won’t have a decorated get-away car. Both can easily be fixed. will make everything match. No one needs to know that their get-away car is only going to drive from one lodge to the next! There will still be Oreos, window paint and a few blown up condoms on the antennae. Mike gets his traditional groomsman prank and Ky gets everything matchy matchy just like she likes it. A win win!

Next milestone, I caved, let Spermy pay half of the initial down payment for Snowbird. I didn’t want to be the one to cause the first scene. No matter how badly I wanted to handle it on my own! A 50/50 start.

Save the Date photos . . . Stretch wore red!!! And changed into different outfits. He is a good sport. He toted his backpack up and down the mountain with his cowboy boots so that he would match from head to toe. No complaints. He kissed and smiled for almost two hours.

Things are going smoothly.

I suggested a desk calendar for Save the Dates, a little less trendy than a magnet and more personal than today’s email notification. But Ky liked it!

The big calendar vote:

1: Utah Scenery
2: Famous Couples
3: Movie Couples

The winner by vote was Utah scenery, but we vetoed and decided on famous couples. Weddings are not really a democracy. We all know the bride makes the final decisions no matter the outcome of a vote.

Next step, the criteria to get a month:

1: You have an anniversary in that month
2: The photo is on their wedding day in wedding dress and tux
4: and it photo must be unique

Ky is busy. She is a full time nanny and a college student trying to plan a wedding. I have free time at night; I can find the couples and pictures. It took hours of Googling to find the perfect couples with an anniversary for each month. Elvis for Ky and Johnny and June for Stretch, the musical icons. Those were must haves. Princess Di, Jackie and JFK and The Obamas filled the class category. Nostalgia met with Marilyn Monroe and Lucy. And what is a wedding calendar without Elizabeth Taylor?

Then the trouble started.

I saw every Adam Sandler movie ever made because he was Ky’s favorite actor from a very early age. Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison are classics. The Wedding Singer felt like I was back in High School. Plus how can a movie with Billy Idol be bad? Then there were the real winners. Waterboy! A rere with a Cajun accent driving a lawnmower. Mr. Deeds and Little Nikki, need I say more? But Adam redeemed himself with 50 First Dates and Click. He kind of grew up. He was the guy I loved from Saturday Night Live again. He deserved and earned June! Bonus, his picture is funny.

The MTV generation needs Speidi in April! If we lived through all of their fake weddings we should get to celebrate the actual legal union. Plus her fake boobies with the bleached hair matched with his curly blond lockes and blinding pearly whites are worth looking at for thirty days.

I showed props to Prop 8, Ellen and Portia get August!

Ozzy and Sharon, music icons of today. Their picture is great; Ozzy is actually biting her, like a vamp. How Twilight of them!

I found the picture perfect couples for every month. Ran each one past Ky and got them ready to send to the designer.

I brought them home for the final bridal sign off. BIG MISTAKE!

Suddenly she started enforcing the dictatorship of a wedding. Vetoing many of my pictures and hours of hard work! The bride wanted all the couples to be classic. Meaning their original wedding photos should have been black and white without a click of a photo editing button. Adam, Ozzy, Ellen, and Speidi were all put into the recycle bin! But Will Smith survived the cut? I didn’t understand!

The first glimpse of my very own Bridezilla was showing. She insisted I start over on half of the year!

Doesn’t she understand how many hours I have worked on this?

Doesn’t she know how hard it was to find a famous couple for every month?

Then it happened. She said the words . . . THIS IS MY WEDDING. NOT YOURS.

I was arguing with the irrational two years old that wanted to run past her boundaries. With the sixth grader that wanted to wear flip flops during a blizzard. And with the Junior who thought a fellow male student could room with the girls on a High School field trip.

Would there be foot stomping? Crying? A full blown temper tantrum?

I have never spanked Ky. I grounded her once and regretted all thirty minutes of it. But today I seriously considered both. Can I throw her over my knee and inflict any pain? Can I steal her car keys and hold her hostage in the house?

No. She is bigger and stronger than me. Getting her over my knee would probably end with me in the ER. Grounding her to the house would only be punishing me. I would have to endure the wrath of the bridal bitch for hours until I finally pleaded with her to leave or vanquished myself to the basement.

How do I win this battle of the Save the Date Calendars? How else? With the wallet! It may be her wedding, but mama is paying.

In the end, we compromised. I gave a few months and so did she.

I would like to say that this was my intent on giving her a lesson on compromising to make things work. But no, it was a fight. A my idea is better than hers girl fight.

Can’t wait for dress shopping :)


  1. Boy oh boy! What a wonderful experience!!! My house can be the sanctuary for the both of you, its always very quiet, I have booze of all sorts and lots of movies with hot guys. :)

  2. Ok first of all-- I only vetoed Ozzy. Lets not exaggerate mom! The rest I left just the way they were.

  3. Momma needs a beer and she's paying for it.

  4. Momma bear Mobster, I love your blog so much!!! I look forward to your new posts.

    Did someone say beer?